Stepparenting can be challenging, particularly if your new spouse´s children are already adolescents! Parenting teens is the toughest job you will ever love! What is a brand-new step-parent to do? Insights arise over the years. Forming a blended family takes time! But it´s worth it. Here are several building helpful building blocks, as you begin!*** Article is downloadable as a PDF file. Additional formats may be available upon request. ***

Congratulations, New Step-Parent! You Now Have Teenagers!
by Linda Ann Nickerson

“You´re not my parent!”

There it was – the dreaded line. That´s apparent! I thought.
Step-parenting is the toughest job, by far, that you will ever love.

As I entered the church for my wedding, I wondered how long it would take for us to feel like a family. My fiance had three teenagers.

It only-half surprised me that the pastor did not offer me a choice: “Turn right, walk down the aisle, and get married. Or turn left, step out to the garden area, and meet our firing squad.” The second choice would have been ever so much easier!

Being a step-parent has been a wild ride. Still, I would not have missed it for anything. Now that we are all grownups, I can count my stepchildren as my dear friends. My stepson calls me occasionally – not just on holidays – and tells me he loves me. My stepdaughter, who is expecting her first child, shares her ultrasound photos and prenatal excitement with me.

However, when I stepped out of my white satin pumps and into my step-mom shoes, many years ago, the picture was very different. At the time, I was a young adult and didn´t even know any other step-parents. Bookstores did not bulge with how-to books on stepfamilies. The internet did not even exist. What was a brand-new step-parent to do?

Several insights arose, over the years. I earned these – with a certain amount of scarring. But it´s been worth it.

Boundaries matter.

The new husband and wife simply must develop healthy boundaries with the children from the previous marriage. Of course, the kids have been through crisis, and the marriage will be an adjustment for them, too. But the married couple will need to carve out regular private time together.

Because my husband had adolescent kids, with busy sports and social schedules, it became challenging to juggle those two-weekend-a-month visits. The kids rarely visited us on the same weekends. As a result, during our first six months of marriage, we had two weekends alone. I loved his kids, but this was challenging to a beginning marriage!
Everyone needs quality time.

Time alone with the kids is essential for the step-parent AND the actual parent. Perhaps they can take turns shuttling the kids back and forth to their other home, or attending the kids´ events. Having everyone together for family activities is important, but so is the opportunity for the children to build a new relationship (with the step-parent) and to rebuild the existing one (with the actual parent). This factor is vital to the success of a stepfamily, regardless of the ages of the kids.

Personal space is essential – for everyone.

Even if the children only visit on weekends and holidays, they will need the opportunity to have moments alone. (Families in smaller living quarters may need to be creative here.) Privacy, even in small pieces, helps reduce the stress of a new family situation.

Teens will require some moments of solitude, and often they may wish to invite friends for visitation weekends. Actually, this can smooth the transition and make life feel more normal and natural for everyone!

Making memories together helps build relationships.

Looking back, our family loves to laugh at some of the crazy things we did together. We have shelves of photo albums of trips we took, activities we did, and holidays we had together. (For example, one year we cut a Christmas tree in the pouring rain!). Shared memories are the bedrock of a new family.

No bad mouthing!

No matter what has happened, the parent and step-parent will gain nothing by bashing the other parent (or step-parent, if there is one). This will only make the children more uncomfortable.

*** Additional content is available in full-length downloadable article. ***

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